Your inner child, do you know what she needs? Why every life coach should know…
There’s an inner child within you. She’s awaiting your loving acknowledgement, she’s hugely responsible for the person you are today, how you feel in each moment and who you will become.
If we can step into the role of the confident adult, lovingly nurturing all the younger versions of ourselves and taking on the intention that “we’ve got this under control”, we can experience more happiness, ease, flow, and deeper connections.
For all of us, that inner child connects – of course – right back to our parents and our families of origin.
You’re a well-resourced, wise woman and your inner child will never feel that sense of security if you don’t listen and communicate with her from that current place of confidence.
Do you ever speak to her? Ask her what she needs? Let her know that she is loved, safe and that you’ve got this?
This is a concept we spend time on inside my all-in premium life coaching course, Mentor Masterclass. I work with the women I serve to help them learn to communicate with and nurture the needs of their inner child. We explore the concept of self-mothering in order to create a sense of confidence and avoid unnecessary tantrums related to building their coaching business. We begin this work with this guided meditation.
If you have found yourself feeling alone, sad, frustrated, overlooked and fearful, it may be the appropriate time to connect with your inner child.
Avoiding this conversation and overlooking your inner child’s needs will keep you from becoming a successful coach.
Imagine this: you’re on the phone trying to listen to your client and ask the right questions to support her. Or, you’re sitting at lunch with a woman you admire who may potentially be sharing your new coaching program with her list of 75,000 ideal clients.
And right there next to you there is a little girl, screaming at the top of her lungs until she’s blue in the face.
You’re so desperately trying to ignore her, but you can barely hold it together.
This is why inner child work is vital as a coach. Especially for those of us who are mothers on top of being coaches and healers.
Maybe in this moment you can feel that sense of inner desperation to support your inner child, and you don’t know how. I would like to support you in taking 11 minutes to hold that conversation with your inner child, right now.
Click here to get access to an inner child meditation I created to support you in connecting with her right now. There’s a precious little girl who has been enthusiastically awaiting your love and attention. Take 11 minutes now to connect with her and finally hold that conversation.
The result is the ability to serve that client and connect with that joint venture partner from a grounded place of ease and focus. You’ll even be ready to continue this conversation into the next important area of restructuring your family system.
Go ahead and listen to it now and I’ll wait for you right here.
After you’ve spent some time self-mothering with the meditation, let’s take this conversation about family systems and how they affect us as a coach, one step deeper.
Ever feel like you are your mother’s mother?
My clients know how much I have struggled in my relationship with my mother. Major confusion happens all the time within families when we aren’t aware of the role we’re meant to play – and stick to. Without being more deeply aware, we’re actually blindly taking on the destiny of our ancestors by taking on positions (like parenting our parents) we weren’t born to play. This throws everything out of alignment.
Based on the work of Bert Hellinger, this deep inner work centers around the idea that…
Each member of a family has his or her appropriate place within the family, and sometimes these places within a family fall out of alignment.
Whether you’re the daughter, the mother, the sister – we all have a role to play. If you believe we’re all souls having a human experience, you also might believe there’s a reason someone is our sister and not our mother, or our father and not our brother, or our daughter and not our mother. It’s important to remember these truths as you’re taking care of yourself and setting up boundaries within your family as you avoid intervening in your family members’ roles. When we take on our appropriate roles, we can direct our energy and concentrate our power on the important dreams and desires we have in our personal lives.
There’s a set of healthy family rules (that most of us don’t follow):
- Everyone has an equal right to belong to their family’s system.
How we accidentally violate it: when we’re not happy with a family member or they do something that falls outside of the family system (even if that system is hugely dysfunctional and she’s choosing a healthier way of life) that person is often excluded or pushed away.
- There is a hierarchy in terms of birth order. Those born first, come first.
This rule can be unknowingly broken if, for example, there was an abortion or a lost child who wasn’t recognized. This can throw off the hierarchy in terms of birth order, the energy within a family becomes misaligned, and then we carry on that energy from generation to generation.
- Parents give and children receive.
I see this rule broken more than ever. Teaching myself to be the child and let my mother take on the “mother role” has been one of my greatest healing journeys.
Let’s say you’re an independent woman who has the resources to give to others, and you pride yourself on being able to do this.
Maybe, like me, you’re driven by the value of significance, meaning you get your love and connection by being the one to give advice, fix things, or help or support your parents.
This all might feel great and even be well-received, but it’s actually not the correct healthy operating mode for a family. You’re meant to receive and your parents are meant to give. If you take on the wrong role, you give away your power.
- The male comes first in the family, but he works in service of the female.
This dynamic gets thrown off when there are emasculated men within the family. This can happen when a woman doesn’t respect her partner’s masculine energy and gifts, or either one cheats on their partner.
Unless we become aware of these HEALTHY family rules, they can be broken unwittingly in many different ways.
Pregnancies are terminated and never spoken of.
Babies are stillborn and not talked about or honored.
Children are placed for adoption and no longer talked about.
Adoptive parents don’t properly acknowledge the biological parents of their children.
Previous partners or important relationships aren’t acknowledged and honored between partners.
Extramarital relationships are kept secret.
The experience of war is not remembered.
When there are family secrets, they can impact families for years or even generations. We don’t have enough information to disrupt what simply feels, to us, like the natural order of things. Without even realizing it this causes the kind of entanglements where children begin to become more like the parents, involving themselves in their parents’ business and even trying to make themselves feel better by suffering obligations of love.
This information may seem overwhelming, but here’s what’s beautiful: you can be the interruption. And it’s quite simple. By shifting and doing work within yourself to get back into healthy alignment with your family system, you can keep a pattern from developing within your family, between you and your partner, and generations to come.
All it takes is a commitment to shift from using the moral compass of guilt and shame to make decisions. Instead, take on the energy of 100% responsibility for yourself. Rather than choosing to suffer as a way to show your love for your family and try to fit in, choose your own way. Interrupt the pattern by choosing a new compass. A compass that runs on 100% self-responsibility.
The only way to become a feminine leader and master life coach is to take care of yourself first and to heal from your ancestral patterns.
I teach the women who become life coaches in Mentor Masterclass these tools and techniques to help create strong family systems so they can then help their clients build a strong foundation of family alignment. Now it’s time to apply this hugely valuable information as best we can in our connection here on the blog.
Now that your inner child is taken care of you are in the mindset of 100% Self responsibility.
Take a look at the close relationships within your family members and the family rules that have been broken above. Take several moments to reflect and see what comes up for you as you recognize where the rules have been broken in your close family circle and system.
What tensions do you feel with specific family members? See if any of these four family rules are being broken. Are you feeling cast out, for example? Did your mother have an abortion that nobody talks about? Are you more of your father’s mother, than his daughter? Where are you taking on a role other than daughter, granddaughter or sister?
Our family life is like a culture that helps us develop our moral compass and drives our behavior. It created that inner child that’s still within you. Have you been choosing to suffer in some way in order to feel connection with your family? Where do the suffering obligations of love exist in your family system?
Take a moment to journal about these questions. If you desire my support, comment below. What is coming up for you? Myself and the sisterhood are here to help you process and move through these blocks.
Regardless of what’s come up for you, it’s time to have a vulnerable, deep conversation with your family members so you can move toward healing the broken rules and taking 100% radical responsibility. But how do you do that? It’s what we’ll be talking about in next week’s Wake Up Wednesday – you’ll learn all about the drama triangle it’s so easy to get sucked into, and what to do instead.
Looking forward to diving in deep again next week, sister! I hope today’s inner child meditation and self-reflection around family is helping you build a stronger foundation from which to feel confidence and certainty.
If you’re interested in studying these tools, receiving sisterhood support and mentorship to apply them to your own life, and learning to use them in sessions with your own clients you can apply for Mentor Masterclass here.
The truth is, being a coach isn’t easy. It requires you to look at all the messy places within your life and clean them up. For many of us, that mess is deeply rooted in our family. Although none of us will ever be perfect, our lives are a walking testament to our gifts as a coach, and that extends to family life, too.
When you take time to work on yourself and the foundation of your life as the very first place of focus to build a successful business, you will actually have the confidence and support available to become a sought after coach.
All my love,
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